December 16, 2008

Well I got through yesterday with David's help. I'm so lucky to have him, he's such a wonderful husband and friend. I'm doing ok today. I still feel tired and pretty apathetic, but better than normal. I really want today to be a good day. I'm going to try to be happy, not yell at my kids, and to have patience. To keep things simple my to do list today is:

1. Keep the downstairs clean. (thanks David for helping me clean it yesterday).

December 15, 2008

Today is the first anniversary of Daisy's due date. It's strange how time just keeps moving on, passing you by almost unrecognized. It seems like it was just July and I was spending the day remembering the day she left us. That day is almost easier. It's a tangible day, a tangible grief. It's the day she died and I can grieve for her, for the end of my pregnancy, for the moments I held her little body, for the loss.

The due date is harder for me. It's about what could have been. It's about the 1 year old who isn't running around my house. It's about the little blonde-headed girl who isn't blowing out her candles. It's about what I don't have. It's about the loss of a dream. And every month that passes without me being pregnant seems to make that loss more poignant.

Sometimes I wonder if I've already held my last baby, if I've already passed those precious milestones that turn a baby into a toddler into a preschooler for the last time. Did I treasure them enough? Of course not. I was planning on doing it 4 or 5 more times. Such big plans I had for myself and my family.

How was I to know that God had His own plan for me?

Now there's this bitterness in me that I hate. It boils up when I see a pregnant woman, or someone holding their newborn. It spews forth when my sisters get pregnant or my friends announce their news. It eats me up while I sit in church and listen to all the babies cry. I hate this angry person who can't even be happy for others because they have what I want. Maybe that's what I need to learn from this experience? Compassion in the face of loss.

This is the pain that keeps on giving. This is the wound that won't heal, it's ripped open over and over. It keeps sluggishly bleeding, draining me of hope.

Daisy, I miss you. I hope you're not disappointed in me that I'm handling this trial so badly. I miss you everyday. Our family is not complete without you here. I know we'll all be together someday.

December 12, 2008

I didn't do anything on my list yesterday. Not one thing. Thursdays are hard days to begin with, we're in the car practically all day and at home for only a bit at a time. But I think the real problem is I've been waiting for night to do the things on my list. I think it will go more smoothly if I try to to accomplish my goals earlier in the day.

I did get most of my Christmas shopping done yesterday, so that was nice. Tomorrow is David's company Christmas party so I'm excited about that. I'm already feeling very apathetic about today but I want to get something done so my to do list for today is:

1. Laundry

That's it because that's more than enough work. :-)

December 11, 2008

I did my list yesterday! I read an article right before I went to bed, and when I put the kids to bed I told them the story of Jesus' birth. I don't do that enough with them. They were so excited that I wanted to tell them a story.

I don't feel like I did anything yesterday, but I need to remind myself that I did. I cleaned the entertainment center and reorganized it. I did a load of dishes. I made Christmas presents for all of Emma's teachers. We bought and decorated a Christmas tree. Perhaps it might not be as much progress as I would like and my house is definitely not as clean as I would like but I did accomplish things yesterday.

I'm having a hard time with depression right now. Daisy's due date is coming up and I'm having a hard time coping with that right now.

Today my to do list is:

1. Read my scriptures
2. Tell the kids a story
3. Get the kids pictures taken

December 10, 2008

Yesterday I finished my list! Last night before bed I read through 2 0r 3 Ensign articles. Most of them were about Christmas and I realized how little Christmas spirit I have this year. It's a hard time of year for me now, with Daisy's due date being on the 15th. And with David working the second job it just doesn't seem that different from any other time of year. I feel guilty that I'm not making it more special for my kids. We're going to go get our Christmas tree tonight which has always been one of my favorite parts of the season. So hopefully that will cheer me up a little. I need to think of ways to make this time of year special for my children. Maybe some way they can serve someone? I don't know.

All right, we're going to keep it simple again today. Easing into the "to do" list as it were. So my list for today is:

1. Read my scriptures or an Ensign article
2. Read a scripture story to Emma & Eli

December 9, 2008

I never feel like I'm doing enough. There's always this sense of the mountain pushing down on me, waiting for me to slip, waiting to crush me. The so-called headman's axe poised above my neck. I struggle to feel meaningful and important. I struggle. All the time.

I don't believe this is how God wants me to live my life. I know He wants me to be happy, to find joy in my journey. I think I need to find ways to better handle and organize the responsibilities I've been given. I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, and a good housekeeper, and a good latter day saint. Yet I'm honest enough to admit that right now I'm failing miserably at all of these things. I think it's because I'm trying to do to much, to fix too many problems. I'm always so overwhelmed which circles me back to doing nothing at all.

This is just for me, I want to improve myself in meaningful, uplifting ways. I don't want to disparage myself or find fault in this Child of God. Here I want to build myself up to the person I know I can be. Here is for triumphs and successes, but also failures I can learn from.

This is my daily "to do" list. Here is my place to record my hopes for each day and to honestly evaluate what I've done well and where I can do better. I pray the spirit will bless my endeavor here and strengthen me as I try to build myself up.

I have to start simple. I can't overwhelm myself like I've done so often in the past. So my list today is:

1. Read your scriptures or an Ensign article.