December 9, 2008

I never feel like I'm doing enough. There's always this sense of the mountain pushing down on me, waiting for me to slip, waiting to crush me. The so-called headman's axe poised above my neck. I struggle to feel meaningful and important. I struggle. All the time.

I don't believe this is how God wants me to live my life. I know He wants me to be happy, to find joy in my journey. I think I need to find ways to better handle and organize the responsibilities I've been given. I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, and a good housekeeper, and a good latter day saint. Yet I'm honest enough to admit that right now I'm failing miserably at all of these things. I think it's because I'm trying to do to much, to fix too many problems. I'm always so overwhelmed which circles me back to doing nothing at all.

This is just for me, I want to improve myself in meaningful, uplifting ways. I don't want to disparage myself or find fault in this Child of God. Here I want to build myself up to the person I know I can be. Here is for triumphs and successes, but also failures I can learn from.

This is my daily "to do" list. Here is my place to record my hopes for each day and to honestly evaluate what I've done well and where I can do better. I pray the spirit will bless my endeavor here and strengthen me as I try to build myself up.

I have to start simple. I can't overwhelm myself like I've done so often in the past. So my list today is:

1. Read your scriptures or an Ensign article.